21 May 2013

How to lose a customer – 10 easy steps by Reliance Broadband

It’s easy to get customers. There is always a demand in this country of billions.

Now it’s easy to lose the customers you have too.

Reliance Broadband shows you the way.

1. Identify regular, loyal customers. Cut off their internet connection without any prior notice or intimation.
2. Play table tennis with complaint calls – send it to the technical department to keep the customer engaged for about 45 to 60 minutes with IP addresses and such. Randomly hang up the third time you forward the call.
3. Blame the customer for technical problems for their faulty laptop, modem, router and possibly mother-in-law. Make them check all these problems at least thrice before telling them there’s a problem with the server and not the customer (or the mother-in-law).
4. Give them a complaint number and a false promise of setting it right in 24 hours. Do nothing.
5. When customer calls again do not divulge that there is a problem with your cables, do not give them another complaint number. Once again do nothing.
6. When customer asks to disconnect, take the disconnect order. Give them the request number but don’t actually disconnect their connection.
7. Next day beg to keep connection and hang up if they are angry. Somehow, see to it that the connection is in working order without informing the customer.
8. The day after that, ensure the disconnection happens. Remember, once again, not to tell the customer.
9. When customer calls with “Internet not working” option, tell them that they don’t exist in the system.
10. Don’t bother checking with the customer what the problem was at any point during steps 1 to 9.

For more customers, repeat steps 1 to 10 in any order preferred!